Toilets 2, Me 0

UM…. Am I in Pergatory? My worst nightmare is coming true. I was peeing in my favorite bathroom stall at the office yesterday (for information on which one is my favorite and why, see Appendix A), and mid-pee, what do you think happened? Yes. It flushed itself. I was all, “Wha…???” because as you may or may not know, one of the reasons I took this job in the first place was because the office did NOT have automatic flush toilets. If you’re unfamiliar with my stance on these evil, wicked beasts, please refer back to this blentry.

Angry Toilet
Apparently I go on vacation and everything goes to pot around here (no pun intended). Adding insult to injury, I discovered that an entire bag of UNexpired yogurts I had in the fridge had been thrown out while I was away. Argh!

So anyway, they’ve replaced my favorite manual-flush toilet with an evil automatic one. I don’t know if they’re changing all of them and just starting with one, or just changing the one, but I do know this f-ing sucks, and I may have to start job-hunting again.

Appendix A: OK, so there are four stalls in the ladies’ room. The last one, the big handicapped one, is the worst, because the toilet seat sits up on stilts, causing a big gap between the seat and the rim, and when you pee, unless you concentrate very hard, your pee shoots out the front of the toilet and gets you, the floor, and everything wet, with pee. All the women here seem to have made that mistake once, and God willing, only once.

The first stall has horrible water pressure, and if you use a toilet seat cover and/or any toilet paper at all, which most of us do, it all creates a tight ball that refuses to flush and just rolls around in the hole, even if you flush it over and over.

The second stall is not ideal because, and this may get complicated, but hear me out here: Since the last one is by far the worst, nobody wants to use it. If you’re in the second stall and someone else comes in, she is almost definitely going to choose the first or third stall, thus settling in right next to you. Some poeple don’t mind this, but I get stage fright when someone is too close to me and find it nearly impossible to pee, try as I might, and you can just forget anything else (not that I do anything else, Jeff, don’t worry, girls don’t go #2, least of all me). Same goes for people talking to me while I’m in the stall. If you ask me, it’s common sense that conversation should end when the stall door closes.

The point is, the only really desirable stall, the one that used to offer me a peaceful sanctuary of relaxation, has now been turned into something that will only infuriate me and cause me stress and nervous breakdowns. Why is life so cruel?!!!

UPDATE: Well, after someone read this blentry he was totally incredulous about my stage fright comment, and in retrospect I may have been exaggerating a little (ME???). Usually I can pee fine with someone next door, unless they’re talking to me. I really do find it impossible to carry on a conversation and pee at the same time. Chalk it up to my not being the best multi-tasker. But really it’s the poo thing that gets me (which, again, Jeff, I do NOT do, I’m just saying I imagine if I did it would be difficult to do so with someone in the next stall). The worst is when two people (not me) are sitting in stalls next to each other, and we’re they’re totally silent and can hear each other breathing, each one waiting for the other to finish and flush so she can let the poo make the noise it makes when it lands in the water. I mean, not that I’m familiar with that; I’m just saying.

5 Responses to Toilets 2, Me 0

  1. aw feck says:

    Seriously, why did they put in the autoflusher???! That really tripped me out, too. I hate stall number 3 because the door has trouble staying shut, and more than once have I been in there when the stall door drifted open, and I had to scramble to shut it, pants around my ankles, trying not to drip pee everywhere. This really should not be so difficult.

  2. Oh dear says:

    Your stage fright isn’t that abnormal. But your inability to acknowledge you crap and that you have even problems with it shows certain underlying issues. Now while everyone has they’re issues there is no reason to be prissy. This could be something you might want to look into. Coprophobia is a debilitating illness, best course of action is to face your fear. If you truly do have problems taking a crap maybe you should eat more fruit, prunes and the like.

  3. marcyminton says:

    Ah hahahaha, Are you for real, Oh dear?

  4. Oh dear says:

    Such scatological remarks can only be serious.

  5. marcyminton says:

    Hahaha, I knew it! Who are you, mystery commenter? I have bought some prunes on your recommendation. Mmmm, tasty, tasty prunes, washed down with prune juice.

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