Spoiler Alert: Don’t Worry, I Didn’t Die

Sometimes my life is too ridiculous to even deal with. It’s the kind of thing, if you were watching a movie about me in the movie theater you’d sink way down in your seat and partially cover your eyes, because you were just so embarrassed for me.

Sunday, for example. I woke up and realized 2 things. Thing One: my period had started, and Thing Two: I was all out of Advil. This is bad, because I have the most ridiculous cramps imaginable, and without any pain relievers I would probably consider killing myself. I know this sounds harsh, but let’s look at it this way: My worst fear about being kidnapped by refugees rebels (Why on Earth did I write “refugees?”) while traveling in a beautiful but unstable country and taken as a hostage for a year or two would not be getting beaten, raped, eaten alive by bugs, burned as a human sacrifice, etc. etc. It would be running out of pain relievers and having debilitating menstrual cramps. I think about it a lot, and I dread it. Really.

So anyway, Sunday I didn’t have any Advil, but I did find some Alleve, which doesn’t usually work as well, but I was like, “Oh, these cramps aren’t that bad, I’m sure this will be fine,” so I threw a couple of those back. Then like an hour later I was like, “Shit.” And the only other thing I had was Tylenol 3 with Codeine that I hoodwinked my doctor into giving me a prescription for a while back, and I figured what the hell, and took one of those, too. And I thought, Maybe I’ll feel better if I walk around a little bit, so I put on my sneakers and iPod and decided to walk up to the pharmacy about 10-15 mins. away and get some Advil, along with some of those Mr. Clean magic erasers to clean some pesky smudges off the walls. (Am I a walking ad right now, or what? Ahem, Someone needs to pay me for all this free advertising!) (From now on, any reference to a brand name will be accompanied by a “ding!” to signify that someone needs to give me money).

So anyway, anyway, anyway, I’m walking around Sav-On Drugs (ding!) just browsing, you know, taking my merry little time, and oh, I’d say it’s about 2pm, and all of a sudden my head felt really funny, like all the blood had just drained out of my face, and my vision got all wonky, and I knew beyond all doubt that I was about to pass out, right there in the household cleaner isle. So I squatted down on the floor and I don’t know if it was the panic or what, but then I started shaking all over, and felt hot/cold/hot/cold/oh man, I have mixed a lethal cocktail of pain relievers in my bloodstream and have only minutes to live! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I have to get out of here, but I have to get this Advil first, oh my goodness, there is no way I’m going to be able to walk all the way home without dying first.

So I sat it out for a while, and called my roommate (from the floor of Sav-On Drugs) (Ding!) to see if he could come pick me up.

“Hello?”

“HI, ADAM!!!” (chipperest voice I can muster)

“Hey, what’s up, Marce?”

“ARE YOU AT HOME?!!!” (I am ever so chipper, definitely not about to die on the drugstore floor!)

“No.”

“OH, OK, NEVER MIND, I’LL JUST CALL MATTHEW!!! I JUST HAD A QUESTION, BUT NO BIGGIE!!!” (I’m fine and most definitely not about to die! Sunshine! Flowers! Rainbows and puppies!!!)

(hang up. dial other roommate matthew. ring, ring, ring, ring, voicemail. hang up. thoughts a cloudy fog. call jeff. voicemail. shitshitshitshitshit).

After a minute I decided to try standing up. Maybe I’d go ask the pharmacist if perhaps I shouldn’t have taken the aforementioned combination of drugs, but there was an endlessly long line and I didn’t revel in the thought of fainting with a full audience of people. About that time Jeff called back. He was in Santa Monica but offered to come get me anyway, but I said, no, I was feeling better, and he said to go get some water, maybe I was dehydrated, and that seemed like a good idea, so I hung up and was feeling better, decided to get the Advil and water and try to walk home, and BOOM, it happened again.

So again I squatted and tried to look busy with something in my purse so as not to look like someone who was just squatting on the floor shaking all over for no reason, and a woman comes up and starts looking for something on the bottom shelf and asks me, as though I’m behaving normally, “Do you see any regular Milk of Magnesia in the normal sized bottle, or only in the big bottle?” And why wouldn’t she ask me? After all, I was eye level.

“Ummmmm, Oh, there’s some.” I must have misunderstood, because she ended up getting a giant non-regular bottle anyway. Normally I would have felt bad for being un-helpful, but at this moment I was concentrating on Not Dying. The good news here is that even though I was dizzy and shaking on the floor of the drugstore, I did and do not need to purchase a giant bottle of milk of magnesia for any reason.

Since I had nothing better to do, I called Matthew again, and this time he picked up and agreed to come get me, so I wobbled my way to the cash register to purchase my water, Advil (ding!) and Mr. Clean Magic Erasers (ding!), which I had somehow managed to still find in the midst of my dying. I went outside where it started to happen again, causing me to have to lean up against the filthy side of the building, full-on where homeless guys usually stand (I was probably infuriating some old bum by being in his turf), and then I sat down on a pipe (a horizontal one, not vertical — ouch!) and got some strange looks when passersby realized I didn’t fit the typical demographic of that particular hangout spot. While there, I called my dad, who, conveniently, is a pharmacist, and asked him if he thought I was about to die. No. He said I shouldn’t have taken all that on an empty stomach and that I just needed food and would probably live. Good news. And before long Matthew pulled up, just as my cramps were reaching an insanely painful level, and I went home and ate one of Adam’s bananas and got in bed with a Therma-Care (ding!) heat patch, and took some of the Advil (ding!) (because why not add one more type of drug to the mix?) and started feeling much, much better, and so ends the saga of me almost dying.

The End.

(Brought to you by Chiquita (ding!)) Don’t forget to eat.

One Response to Spoiler Alert: Don’t Worry, I Didn’t Die

  1. CiarĂ¡n says:

    Good post! Really need to stop taking so many drugs though.

    So I’ve taken the liberty of looking up some natural alternatives. Valerian is meant to be very good at relieving the cramps. As apparently are orgasms. High intake of Omega 3 and Vitamin E around time as well. That should reduce or even eradicate the pain rather than hide it.
    I know, I know, you’re going to say, “Fuck off you man, what do you know about the pains that come with bleeding once a month? If you could ever experience gut wrenching pain like this we’d see if you’d still stick to your hippy dippy ways. You wouldn’t last two minutes before you’re knocking back the ketamine. I’ll take as much Advil as I please.” And you’re right, and I am a patronizing twat even trying to offer this advice. But for some reason I’m still going to click Submit Comment.

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