Too X-Treme

Pop open a can of Mountain Dew, Ladies, because it’s time for X-TREME HAIR REMOVAL!

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I’m pissed off. The topic? Bikini wax expectations. This is a relatively new thing, as in something that seems to have arisin within the last decade, and I’m not sure who exactly I have to thank for it. And by “thank” I mean kick in the nuts.

I’ve done a little research, and have come up with this conclusion. In America right now, having a brazilian bikini wax (which I call “X-Treme Hair Removal”) is as standard and socially required as shaving your legs. And I say FUCK THAT. You know why? Because it fricking hurts, that’s why. And it’s also recockulously expensive. Last time I went to get my bikini and eyebrows done, the total was a whopping $87 smackers. Can I afford that every 3 weeks, along with everything else? Hell, no, and even if I could, out of principle I don’t want to.

Look. I’m not saying we should all be running around with a 1970s bush going on. I am a stickler for hygene and grooming. And I’m not one to go against the crowd on issues of what’s expected of me regarding my personal appearance. Call me a conformist, but I imagine it would be tough to be known as “’70s Bush Girl.” But come on, throw us a fricking bone. As if women don’t have enough to feel bad about, now we have to be paranoid about that??? “Oh no, I’m between bikini waxes, I’m going to be judged, and so-and-so is going to be all grossed out!” WTF??? COME ON!!!!

If men did it too I could maybe wrap my head around it. I already think men should shave their armpits. Armpit hair is disgusting on both men and women, so Get on that, Men. But for me, it’s great if a guy just trims “down there.” Just so it’s not all over the place. I think if any man holds a woman to a certain waxing standard, he should have to go get that exact type of wax done once, just once, and let’s all sit back and see how quickly his expectations will change. The first time he hands someone a 50-dollar bill to rip all the hair off his balls, he’ll think twice about complaining about his date’s between-wax status. And he’ll probably also cry a little.

This rule hurts not only women, but men also. My research has concluded that women everywhere are too scared to hook up with anyone if we aren’t fresh from the salon. We’ll be too embarrassed to admit the real reason, so we’ll make something up. Men will feel rejected, and we’ll feel sad, like we’ve let ourselves down and let him down, because this is just one more expectation we can’t live up to.

Plus, this is one more thing on our plates, making us busier than ever, making MEN have to wait for us (and complain about waiting, and make jokes on sitcoms about it) while we try to alter ourselves so we’ll be accepted by society. Makeup, high heels, hair removal all over the place — We get it. We’re not OK as we are. What’s next? God only knows.

Who made this rule, and who is enforcing it? Someone tell me. I’m not saying it’s only men — Women are huge enforcers of beauty standards. But I have a feeling this originated with porn, and the fact that porn dictates how I’m expected to look makes me sick.

If you are reading this and you are a man, or have insight into what men think about this, please comment, because I need to know! Is it really a big deal for men, or do women just think it is?

And if you’re someone who might someday ever want to date me, and if you expect me to get XTreme Hair Removal, get out your wallet. ‘Cause you’re paying for it.

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UPDATE: As of 4:36 PM, I am feeling slightly better about this topic. After reading this blentry, a male friend conducted some of his own independent research, and 5 out of 5 male subjects stated that while they do think X-Treme Hair Removal is nicer than Standard Hair Removal, the issue is never a deal breaker.

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UPDATE #2, 5:59 PM: I have had a spirited IM conversation with Eric, who has brought up an excellent point. This is perhaps more of an L.A. trend than a National one. I would like to hear from someone in another state, please. Do you feel this same type of pressure? Also per said conversation, I have decided to veer from all tradition and simply shave it into the shape of a tiny Care Bear. Instead of the Care Bear Stare it will be the Care Bear Hair!

8 Responses to Too X-Treme

  1. Maggie says:

    Here is a view from another state for you. First of all, much less expensive here. I can get brow and bikini for around $40 so that is much better than $87. And I would say that just nice and neat and a little bit off the sides is more standard around here than the “x-treme.” But I totally agree with you that all men should have to be waxed just once so they understand the ridiculous degree of pain it causes. Seriously. And it does piss me off that men have a say in this at all. Yet I still do it.

  2. Amanda says:

    Well, I have never had my bikini line waxed and probably never will. I do think about it though and know it would be nice visually. In Denver,it was much like it is in LA. In NC, none of my girls had it done soooo……I guess it just depends. Lucky I have a guy who does not care but probably would not be down with a fro.

  3. 1peanut says:

    oh thank god for Amanda, i thought i was gonna get on here and be the only one who has never had this done.

    My husband mentioned getting it done only once. I took him to my lady and she waxed in between his eyebrows. In Between Only. He took one look at me and said “never mind, if your eyebrows feel like this, I don’t even want to imagine what down there would be like.”

    Worked for me because I don’t want to imagine either.

  4. James says:

    No way is this a deal breaker, more of a character builder.

    Grow on…….

  5. wan says:

    high five, marcy. you tell ’em!

  6. Mr.Pickles says:

    Hey, chewbacha was sexy. You can pull it off too.
    Being a hippie from woodstock, I personaly couldnt care if any hair is ripped out of the girl or not. I wouldn’t really expect them to do it, simply because I would sooner hit myself in the face with a shovel than put hot wax on my crotch. Deal breakers can work both ways ya know.

  7. marcyminton says:

    You guys are rad and have restored my faith in humanity.

  8. aw feck says:

    I have heard all different things regarding the ideal amount of pubic hair on ladyparts, and I think it really comes down to personal preference. I personally hate my pubes with the white hot passion of a thousand burning suns, and therefore have dutifully contorted myself into pretzel shapes at the command of a waxer for several years. But this is because I must have some sort of Lithuanian peasant blood that makes me ungodly hairy, and that hair would swallow me whole if it could. So really, in my case, it’s a matter of survival — it’s either me or the pubes.

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