Blah, Blah, Sis Boom Bah

I hated writing papers in college, especially the dumb ones. I mean the ones with dumb topics that I cared nothing for. I always just wanted to write what I wanted to write, instead of using dumb college words and staying “on topic.” Sometimes a Spanish word seemed to work better in a sentence than anything I could think of in English, and I was so so so so tempted to include it that I would actually write it there, then grudgingly edit it out later.

In one especially dumb class I took Freshman year, a Communications class called “Environmental Advocacy” (Sounds cool, right? Wrong. That’s how they get you), they made the ridiculous mistake of letting us write GROUP papers. My friend Lauren and I wrote a paper together on animal testing for cosmetics (Side note: It is barbaric: They’re not just washing the bunnies’ hair — so go to here and look at what they do to bunnies, then go here to download lists of companies that do and do not test on animals). (Another side note: I hate S.C. Johnson (“A ‘Family’ Company”) with all the fiber of my being, because not only do they perform cruel atrocities on bunny rabbits, but they also have the most sexist, ridiculous commercials ever, with scores of dowdy women with horrible midwestern accents raving about all their housecleaning products. Do men ever clean? Of course not. Do women work outside the home or wear anything besides tapered kakhis and casual button-down shirts and loafers? Gee golly, next you’re going to suggest that women can vote!!! Just calm right on down and greab a handy Pledge wipe, don’tcha know!)

Anyway. So we wrote this group paper, and we kept finding ourselves using the same words over and over, prompting us to use the thesaurus, and we said, what if we just stuck any word from the thesaurus in place of the original word: I.E. we kept using the word “insert” in the context of “inserting chemicals into rabbits’ eyes.” One of the thesaurus’s replacements for “insert” was “thrust,” which of course we put in the paper like so: “This test involves thrusting chemicals into rabbits’ eyes.” In another place, after looking for synonyms for the word “stop,” we discussed various ways to motivate companies to “cease and desist” the unnecessary tests. It was hilarious, or at least we thought so.

On another paper, we had to invent a fake campaign and write about it. We had recently seen an episode of Veronica’s Closet in which Dan Cortese’s character, having already used the word “increase” too many times in their catalogue to describe push-up bras, made up the word “acribitz” (uh-CRIB-its) to use in their advertising. We made one slight adjustment: “acribit,” and based our campaign around it. We called it the Toxic Emissions Acribition Act, and that was the title of our paper. I believe acribit in our context actually meant decrease. If our law got passed, it would acribit toxic emissions by nearly 12%! When we got it back, the T.A. made no mention of the fact that the title of our paper and the campaign the whole paper discussed included the word “Acribition,” but instead just added a tiny red question mark next to the word “acribit” in one place. I think we got a B+ or something. Well, well worth it.

In conclusion, I love having a blog, because I can write whatever the hell fuck fart I want, and nobody gives me a bad grade. And I love the internet, which cannot be censored. Sure, some people might get offended or think it’s boring, but I’m not twisting anyone’s brazo to read it.

UPDATE: I have just heard from the aformentioned Lauren, who reminded me that throughout our animal testing paper we included made-up quotes from totally made-up people we “interviewed” at PETA and Proctor & Gamble, whom we named “Janice Bryan” (a loose interpretation of our high school chorus teacher’s name) and “Nancy Schaffner” (because we thought that sounded like a name we would not have made up).

7 Responses to Blah, Blah, Sis Boom Bah

  1. marcyminton says:

    Doh! :D

  2. Nathan says:

    I hated writing boring reports too. I used to do things to amuse myself. Several times I inserted song lyrics, and they stayed in the final draft. One time for this Lit class we were supposed to be keeping a journal of what we read and what we learned from it and turn it in at the end of the quarter. Naturally I waited til the last minute and I got so fed up with it that while writing a review of a Thomas Wolfe book that I just admitted that I had no idea why this was considered such great literature when it seemed that his descriptions were just excessively long lists.
    I got a B and now I don’t have to read anything ever again.

    Dictated but not read by Nathan.

  3. wan says:

    YUCK!!! I can’t buy razors or shampoo ever again!!! Those jerks. They’d better stay away from Peter Rabbit.

  4. 1peanut says:

    hahaha, totally true about the commercials and I don’t know who that lady is that they use for some of the voice overs, but I hear her wisconsin accent alot of places. I think she is even on one of the cartoons my kid watches.

  5. 1peanut says:

    sorry for 2 posts but I just saw my link! Thanks!

  6. Doriorio says:

    Hey, Marcy. Have you seen the new SC Johnson commercials? I think they are even worse than the old sexist ones. Now they have the GALL to try greenwashing the American public with blatant lies from their blathering CEO billionaire. They do what’s good for your family and the environment? Really? This company manufactures and markets RAID pesticide, GLADE air pollutants and DRANO water contaminant, among other chemical disasters. Unsuspecting moms and dads by this crap thinking it’s okay. I want to believe in capitalism. But who is policing these companies? How can they get away with this advertising? I wish somebody would sue the hell out of them and give them winnings to EWG or some other worthy cause. Am I alone in my outrage?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *