You may be familiar with my stance on the horrible injustice that is this: It is seven years past “the future” (the year 2000), and we still do not have personal robots to do our bidding and talk in adorable robot voices. If you’re not familiar with said stance, here’s a refresher.

Today on my morning commute, the radio was talking about something that made my heart skip seventeen beats and made me squeal with joy.

Yes. It is finally almost here, for all of us.

The personal robot.

On the radio, the one phrase that especially excited me was when the DJ said, “Yeah, they say in the next few years they’ll be rolling out robots that will do your housework — answer your phone, get you a beer out of the fridge.”

Specifically, a robot scientist in Korea has designed a robot named EveR-1 who can “hold a conversation, make eye contact, and express joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness.” (Story here).

I cannot believe it. I’ve been waiting for this for so long! I have to admit, I kind of had my heart set on a robot that looked a little more robotty, like how I pictured it in the 80s — much like this little guy, but perhaps with eyes that are slightly less creepy:


And something rather unsettling is that according to the radio, the folks in Korea say EveR-1 is too ugly! Something about her hands being too big, among other things. I personally think she’s gorgeous, and if she has man-hands, all the better to fix things around the house! And the more I think about it, the more I get a little terrified, if a small amount of terror is possible. Are the personal robots going to set the bar that much higher for women’s appearances? Is my future husband going to leave me for a perpetually young robot with giant cartoon eyes, fish lips, a microscopic waist and ginormous gazongas, like an anime character or one of those hideous Bratz dolls? Will he be like, “OMG, Marcy, Why can’t you look more like Lindabot 8,000?” Will he fantasize about her while we do it? Will she be able to do it with him???

OK, now I’m in a panic. Seeing as how the future is here, I’d better go brush up on my science so I can design my own robot, one who looks like a combination of Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise in the Top Gun volleyball scene, and also like Johnny Depp, and also with the approachable, dorky-chic appeal of John Krasinski from The Office.

All I know is: The future is finally here, people, and I don’t know whether to be excited or scared. “Be careful what you wish for” has never seemed like such good advice.

One Response to I-Am-A-Robot-Would-You-Like-A-Coke-Madam

  1. wan says:

    Marcy, I forgot to tell you that I am an early prototype EveR-1, or as I spell it, EveR-Wan. I was kicked out of the country and the robot program because of my inability to make eye contact or express sorrow. And for being too good looking.

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