This is unbelievable. I called the Traffic Court peeps today to ask them how I could pay my ticket, and two things:

1. When I first called, the robot said, “You have. seventy. nine. callers ahead of you. in the queue.” And I said, “Uggghhhhhh, are you kidding, Robot?” and the robot didn’t answer. But I decided to stay on hold and put it on speakerphone while I worked, and within a couple minutes the robot came back on to say, “You have thirty. nine. callers. ahead of you. in the queue.” And I said to myself, I said, “Wow, that’s a lot lower than seventy nine, and it hasn’t been long at all.” And sure enough, before I knew it, an non-surly and perhaps even borderline friendly human voice picked up the phone.

2. That same borderline friendly voice told me my ticket had already been dismissed.

3. It was dismissed.

4. The ticket was dismissed.

5. I do not have to pay a dime. My driving record remains pristine. I do not have to do traffic school.

6. They dismissed the ticket, people.

Why? I do not know. I can only conclude that a. This has happened to me before, and for some reason I seem to have amazing luck with traffic tickets, or More Likely, b. the young, hot cop decided he liked me and didn’t want to give me a ticket after all because I’m so adorable.

So, I take it all back. All of it. I love the government, and I believe it is efficient and wonderful and kind and beautiful and hot and sexy and delicious, like Maverick and IceMan wrestling in ice cream while Captain Jack Sparrow plays with puppies atop a unicorn.

God Bless America, and Happy Belated President’s Day.