One, please.

Where can I purchase a baby? I haven’t been to Target in a couple years; do they sell them there? How much will a top-of-the-line baby set me back? Fifty bucks? A hundred? I’m out of touch. Should I check Consumer Reports?

***

Something spooky is happening to me. Perhaps my female peers can relate. It started when I turned 26, then let up for a while, and has now snuck back up and has smacked me upside the head. My body wants a baby. That sounds weird, but it’s true. I don’t want one in my mind, logically, because I’ve got goals and whatnot… but… this is disturbing, but true: I’m admitting something kind of embarrassing here, so just… just… don’t…. whatever. I’m going to tell you, Internet. I recently glanced at match.com, simply because my friend was doing it and I wanted to just see what kind of gentlemen are actually on it. And I’m not saying I’m embarrassed because it’s something one should be embarrassed about, because by all means, it’s hard to meet people, especially in big cities, so by all means, you know, knock yourself out. But the embarrassing part is coming. First you must know that on match.com you can browse other people’s profiles for free and don’t have to sign up unless you want to contact one of them. So I was freely browsing, and I came upon this one profile with this one picture… and the picture was of a guy who looked very cute in this particular picture, holding in a very cute way the cutest damn baby the internet has seen (not including any of you who read this and have babies, because of course your baby is the cutest). And I must specify that the baby is the dude’s neice, not his daughter. But I mean, the combination of the cute boy and the cute baby made my ovaries shriek and jump up and down with excitement, like 13-year-olds at a slumber party. I very nearly joined match.com just to contact this boy with this baby, but then logic took over and I realized he doesn’t come with the baby; I believe she is sold separately. Boy, did he know what he was doing when he set up his profile. If ever there were a way to catch the interest of a girl in her mid-late 20s, that’s how. For girls our age, the baby trumps the puppy as girl-magnet material any day, as long as the baby doesn’t actually belong to the boy.

In any case, can I get a set of those? The boy and the baby? It’s not even that I logically want one; I’m very happy being single and frankly have no time whatsoever for dating anyway, much less raising an actual tiny human, but if I could just maybe order a set online, just to appease the ovaries, I could maybe focus on more urgent and pressing matters, like you know, my career and reading Harry Potter 7.

3 Responses to One, please.

  1. Ginya says:

    I know how you feel! My neighbors have a very cute but screamy little baby and everytime I see the goodlookingly Italian father picking his daughter up out of her car seat with absolute adoration, my ovaries give a wistful sigh…

  2. Amanda says:

    Me too! Me too! My need for a baby is growing stronger and stronger. Wil actually said to me: “I think it would be okay for us to stop trying not to have one.” My ovaries started to do the moonwalk and then grabbed their proverbial crotches. Marcy, I am sending you a picture of my friends new baby and her baby girl and if it doesn’t make you want to jump the next guy you see, I just don’t know what will…….

  3. Rebecca says:

    While I do not personally want a baby right now, I do DESPERATELY want one of my friends to have one, so I can buy it adorable clothes and read it books and teach it dirty words, like an edgy aunt, perhaps. So please do pick up a baby so I can spoil it rotten.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *