Don't say I didn't warn you. 

A month or so ago I had in mind that around this time I would be posting a blog entry (blentry) entitled "YAY! I Am Awesome, and Have Great, Fun News!"  Unfortunately, today's post should perhaps be titled, "My Self-Esteem is Close to Being at an All-Time Low."

I signed up for that show on HGTV called "Design on a Dime." A woman came and filmed footage of our living room and my bedroom to show to producers to see if they wanted to redecorate one of those rooms.  And after waiting a month and a half, she called me today to tell me they decided to pass. I gave them two great choices. Both are great spaces and in need of a makeover. The living room is downright ridiculously decorated, being a hodgepodge of inherited and second-hand furniture, none of which matches anything else in the room.  However, the room itself has hardwood floors, huge sunny windows, and in general has more potential than a five-year-old who has memorized the periodic table.  The woman who came even said she thought it was a great space.  And parking was important to them, and I live on perhaps the biggest anomaly in LA: A street with bountiful, abundant, all-you-could-ever-want parking.  This leads me to one conclusion:

It was me.

In addition to filiming every corner of the rooms, she interviewed me saying what I'd like to change, what I liked and didn't like about the rooms, etc.  And I sucked.  I knew I probably wasn't smiling enough, wasn't articulate enough, and looked nervous and fidgety.  And after being rejected by a talent agency last summer for the pure and simple reason that they thought I looked bad on camera, and after being rejected by a manager because he said our meeting seemed "dry" — a.k.a. I have a boring personality, I feel dumb and ugly and stupid and boring. I know I'm not supposed to take these things personally.  I think in general I manage not to.  But after a while it's hard to keep being positive when the message you keep getting is "You aren't worth our time."

:(