Archive for the ‘Fun With Spam’ Category

Badd Ad Monday

October 24, 2011

It’s not even Friday, but I can’t not post about this amazing ad:

I see a lot of these ads come out of the beautiful town of Flossmoor, wherever on Planet Earth that might be. They must know something we don’t, you guys. They seem to have all the answers!

My main question on this one is:
What exactly is the job she’s doing at home? If I click on the link, will it take me to the fololowing job posting?

Wanted: Administrative Assistant for Busy Office
Ideal candidate should have:
3-5 years’ experience in administrative position
Ability to juggle multiple tasks in a fast-paced environment
Bachelor’s Degree in Communications or related field
Experience wearing blue face paint a must
Ability to hold fish in teeth preferred
Telecommuting OK

Citizens of Flossmoor, I’m directing this question to you.

Badd Ad Friday #1

October 14, 2011

I used to have a section of this blog called “Spam Friday,” in which I made fun of all the spam I received via email and in my blog comments. But this is a new era, and starting today (and whenever else I choose to; I do not promise to do this every Friday), I am instituting “Bad Ad Friday,” in which I make fun of the stupid pop-up ads that are all over the internet.

My combination favorite / least favorite ads are the ones that claim that a “mom” discovered some miracle cure or loophole in the system. Why is the fact that a mom discovered it supposed make it so much more appealing? Like Betty Johnson in Somewheresville, USA, is going to all of a sudden do a double take at her computer screen and go, “DALE, GET IN HERE. It says a MOM discovered this weird old trick that is going to make my teeth 10 shades lighter while also putting money in my pocket and infuriating my dentist. And I know I can trust her, because I’m a mom, too! Never mind that I know nothing about this particular mom or if she knows anything about dentistry, or even how to tie her shoes, for that matter. She’s a MOM, Dale. A MOM!!! I’M CLICKING THE AD!!!”

Another question I have is: Why is it always a weird old trick? Do people think it’s more legit if it’s old? and weird? Because I know of some weird old tricks that I wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. (Don’t come near me with those leeches, please!) Science has come a long way, and if given the option between a “weird old trick” and “modern science,” I think I know which one I’ll choose.

I’m going to leave you with a trick from a mom in Lyndhurst (wherever the hell that is; are we supposed to know where Lyndhurst is, or is it a generic town name that anyone in an English-speaking country can realte to: “OH, yeah, someone from Lyndhurst, Dale. WE’VE HEARD OF THAT TOWN! I’M CLICKING THE AD!”)

So this mom discovered this clever wrinkle therapy that makes botox doctors furious (and are there really such things as “botox doctors”? That’s very specific).

I clicked on the ad to find out what the trick was, and as it turns out, she stopped doing meth.

That is a clever trick!

Spam Wednesday

January 17, 2007

It may only be Wednesday, but who says it can’t be a

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Wednesday?

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Ah, man, it’s good to hear from my old friend Numbers P. Burrell. I haven’t seen Numbers in a while — his wife just had a baby. If you don’t know him, I should totally introduce you — You’ll love him. That’s actually a picture of him above. He sure does love those sandwiches. Ah, Numbers. We’ll have to catch up soon.

Wow, Judith, that’s pretty harsh. I admit I tried a new mayonnaise brand recently, but it was pretty terrible and I switched back to Best Foods. I mean, I understand about brand loyalty and all that, but war criminal? Think about what you’re saying.

Uh… yeah, Arrogant, um, sure. AJAX. Right up there with advanced computer systems, satellites, and space stations.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that one of those shortcomings you talk about is that AJAX is, well… NOT a powerful new technology. With all this considered, I’m not sure what exactly you have to be arrogant about.

Thanks for the enthusiastic offer and for giving me your digits, Brendan, but getting a diploma from a university that can’t spell may be more of a “hassel” than you think.

Bring it on, es9s. Bring it on.

Update: I’ve been told that Ajax is a computer thing and actually is a powerful new technology, and not just something with which to clean your sink.  Well, fine, but it’s funnier if you don’t know that.

Spam-a Lam-a Ding Dong

December 6, 2006

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Wow, Christine, what is a feathery bootleg? Is it like a bootlegged CD? And what are the feathers for? Wait, no, you know what? Don’t even tell me; just send me one. Whatever is is, I want it.

Nope, sorry, Nettie, it’s still Wednesday. Hang in there.

No thanks, Wilda, I’m fine as a member of the middle class. OK, OK, I know, there really is no middle class anymore, especially not in L.A. I heard all about it on NPR. But poverty? Nah, you can do it if you want to, but it’s just not my bag. What? Oh, I said, “not my bag.” It’s an expression from the ’70s, I think. It means it’s really just not my thing. No, I don’t know where it came from… you know what, Wilda? I just don’t want to do poverty, OK? Why would I if I don’t have to? I work hard for my money! Geez, get off my back.

And NO, Ruairi, didn’t you hear me tell Nettie?! Calm down and be patient! It’s 6:44; we get to leave work in 16 minutes, then we’ve just got Thursday and Friday. I don’t know what you’ve got your knickers in a bunch for. Just settle right on down! Sheesh!!!!

Have You Missed It?

November 3, 2006

Then it’s your lucky day, because it’s

SpamGuy1.jpg

Friday! BTW, I found that picture on Google images. Isn’t it great? Click on the thumbnail for the full effect. But anyway, on to business. I’ve gotten a lot of amazing email since the last Spam Friday. Let’s discuss:

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First, David Sanders needs to learn how to pronounce his R’s. He’s trying to warn me about a catastrophe, but I can’t stop laughing at his accent long enough to pay attention. I mean, who can take that seriously? I’m not trying to be mean, but David, if you’re reading this, you might want to consider taking a speech class.

Now this one really caught my attention: Jeffrey will be paralized with atomic generators? Who wrote this? Someone from the future? Are they talking about the Jeffrey we know and love? I seriously hope not. I mean, how do they know that? And what are these atomic generators of which they speak? I’d sure like some more info. on that. Do you think this could be the catastwophe David was trying to warn me about? I’m sorry, I’m giggling again. Sorry David. I just can’t help it. Seriously, man, take a speech class.

No, Earl, it’s dead people. You see dead people.

I guess there’s a new store in town called ITEMS OF INTEREST City. It kind of reminds me of a big discount store that used to be in Asheville called Sky City. And I can’t think of Sky City without remembering the awful evening in 6th grade when my mom and I were in Sky City buying me my first ever bras, and we ran into my 6th grade teacher, Mrs. Harter. Now looking back, I’m 100% sure Mrs. Harter probably didn’t even notice or care about the AA-cup white cotton bra with a rainbow stripe around the bottom that my mom was waving around while they were talking, but at the time, I had never felt so embarrassed in all of my twelve years of existence. Except maybe the year before in 5th grade when we were playing kickball in P.E. and I was on the outfield team guarding 3rd base, but I spaced out, as I am prone to do, and forgot which team I was on, and when someone kicked the ball I ran home. But that’s another story for another time. Or maybe I just told you the whole story anyway. But anyway, my point is, ITEMS OF INTEREST City might be pretty cool, or it might be pretty lame. Because my items of interest could be different from your items of interest, you know? If it were called “Marcy’s ITEMS OF INTEREST City” it would be totally awesome. It would stock lots and lots of cute clothes, shoes, books, Harry Potter merchandise including invisibility cloaks, bikes, tap shoes and dance wear just in case I start doing that again, plays and screenplays, DVDs of all my favorite TV shows and movies, tasty healthy hot food, ice cream, beach towels, an arts & crafts section, and a mini Ikea wing. Oh, and lots of cute, friendly, happy, healthy puppies, and various other cute furry things. Of course.

Anyway, back on topic. Dona Shafer wants me to go compromise, and to that I say, “Pooh Pooh!” and thumb my nose. I mean, don’t get me wrong; compromise is good in many instances, but I’m not about to compromise my dreams and goals, as I think she is suggesting, because frankly I don’t trust her motives. I’ll just leave it at that.

Roderick Herring is referring to himself as a jockstrap dignitary, and isn’t that just like him? He’s all, “Hey, I’m a dignitary, and I’m wearing a jockstrap.” Oh, Roderick.

Katrine Salas wants to sell me a claustrophobia fiddle. I called her and asked her to expound on what exactly that does, and she said you carry it wherever you go, and whenever you start feeling claustrophobic you start playing it and it makes you feel better. I asked her if any old fiddle would do the same thing, and she said no, this one is special, but she wouldn’t tell me why. I think it might be a rip-off, but I’m still trying to research it, because if it is a special fiddle I know some claustrophobic people who might really benefit from it. I don’t think I’ll be stocking any claustrophobia fiddles in Marcy’s ITEMS OF INTEREST City, though.

Finally, Gwendolyn Ayala has created a music compilation for her stepmother. She shared it with me because I DON’T KNOW WHY. Gwen and I aren’t really even good friends, but whatever. Maybe she copied me on the email by mistake. I will tell you that Gwendolyn’s stepmother must really like Celine Dionne, that’s all I’m saying.

Happy Friday, Peeps!

You Guessed It!

September 15, 2006

It’s

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Friday!

I just want us all to start the weekend by looking at this:

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And asking ourselves, What if these were our real friends’ names??? Life would be such a funnier place. Like what if I was having a party, and these are all the people I invited? This was my guest list? You’d be like, “Who are you inviting to your party?” And I’d go, “Oh, Cassidy, Walenty, Neddie, Janet, Verena, Nestore, and you.” OH, man.

OR what if this were the guest list for a wedding? I’d be like, “OK, for the seating chart, I think Walenty Wark and Nestore Bockleman should be at separate tables. They’ve both dated Cassidy Clement — but then again, who hasn’t hooked up with that floozy? And Ugh, I can’t believe Janet Manners hasn’t R.S.V.P.d yet. SO rude!

OR, What if these were our high school teachers? We’d be all, “OMG, Mr. Wark gave us soooooooo much homework tonight!”
“What! That’s nothing. You should see the project Mrs. Mullett assigned.”
“UGH, Stop whining, you guys. You guys’ve got it good. Ms. Manners gave us like the longest report ever, and you don’t even WANT to know about the pop quiz Mr. Bockleman gave today.”

Happy Friday, y’all! Oh, if you see Neddie tonight, tell him I’ll give him a call about lunch tomorrow.

Spam-a-licious Wednesday

September 6, 2006

Wow, there is so much to cover with you, I guess I’ll jump right in. Lots of big news today! Well, here goes:

One, I want to point out that in the future, time travel is apparently possible and used often. I say this because several people have emailed me from the future to approve loans I applied for! What’s great is that even if it takes 32 years to approve my loan, someone from the future can just email me here in the present, so it seems like no time has passed! It’s like the most efficient form of inefficency. Blows your mind, right?!!!

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Apparently it is also really easy to get a loan in the year 2038, folks, so that’s good news! Everyone from Cherokee Indians to Carneys to Princes to the religion of Hinduism to aliens with unpronouncible names have approved loans for me! Man, I can’t wait for the future! I sure won’t have to worry about messing with the dumb old bank to get my mortgage loan!

Another exciting tidbit: Martin Ginsburg, husband of the kick-ass Ruth Bader Ginsburg, has emailed me regarding PHmlARMACY, not to be confused with PHARziMACY, PHARseMACY, or Aingeru Hackworth’s PHARgeMACY. I like Aingeru; she’s a Hufflepuff. A little slow on the uptake, if you don’t mind my saying so, but aren’t they all, just a little? Oh, those lovable Hufflepuffs. Primitiva Pigott, on the other hand, is a Slytherin, and a nasty one at that. I don’t know where she gets off emailing me. She hangs around with Millicent Bullstrode and Pansy Parkinson, and knows full well Pansy and I don’t get along. Ugh, that girl’s got some nerve!

In other news, Pen Salazar is thrilled, and an athiest crocodile has somehow gotten my email address.

Ahhhh, Call the Humane Society! Call PETA!

August 31, 2006

OMG, Ottilia Zamora is trying to sell me chili with cat meat! I don’t eat cat meat! Cats are pets! My family’s cat Otis disappeared last fall; What if Ottilia got him?! OOOOH NOOOOO!!! If you have a cat, watch out for Ottilia — She appears to be ruthless, if she’s sending me emails just flat out offering up her cat chili.
Cat chili

The only chili she’s selling me is the chills down my spine!

Good News, Guys!

August 31, 2006

Hey guys, just wanted to share some good news: Both Pillow and Chloride have approved my loans!

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Phew, such a relief. I also applied for loans from Blanket, Teddy Bear, and Fluoride, but haven’t heard from them yet. I’ll keep you posted.

It’s That Time Again!

August 18, 2006

It’s

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Friday!

You’ll never believe what my friend Cosmo Belknap sent me today: The Dreaded Ho Test! Ugh.

Ho Test

Why does Cosmo think I need a ho test? Is he hinting at something, or is he just sending it along to be friendly, so I can make sure I haven’t accidentally become a ho? Either way, it makes me nervous.

I’m pretty sure I’m not a ho. I mean, I can’t think of anything I’ve done that would classify me as such. I’ve never cheated on Jeff, and my “romantic encounters” are still in the single digits. So… I think I’m in the clear, right?? Or did I do something I forgot about that someone has on camera somewhere? Am I unknowingly on a Girls Gone Wild video that I was so drunk I forgot about? I really don’t think so, but one never knows.

Cosmo, if you’re reading this, what are you trying to say?

I’ll take the test, but I’m going to Hawaii on Sunday to ho it up with Jeff and attend Rachel & the Danimal’s wedding, so I’m waiting until I get back. If I’m a ho, I don’t want to know until after my vacation.

Happy Friday, y’all!

Nooooo, Miiiiiilllldredddd!

August 11, 2006

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! QUICK! WE HAVE TO SAVE MILDRED BOYKIN! SHE IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE! TODAY!!!

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OK. I clicked on the email, and this is what it said:

Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2006 00:08:14 -0400
From: “Mildred Boykin” < novrqalirjevr@allekto.de >
Subject: will expire today

Sensationall revoolution in medicine!

E”nlarge your p”enis up to 10 cm or up to 4 inches!

Its h’erbal solution what hasnt side effect, but has 100% guaranted results!

Dont lose your chance and but know wihtout doubts, you will be impressed with results!

Clisk here: http://merajkhalid.info

sonar care-worn scandinavia mum rave colliery hemolytic discriminate
antithetic lagging certify distressed patriarchy converging sodden chipboard

Hm. Well, one thing is clear. This is a coded message, and it is our duty, dear readers, to decode it. The answer will reveal Mildred’s whereabouts, enabling us to save her! Ohhh, where are Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu when we need them?!!!
Who wants to expire her, and why?! Is it Mr. N. Oovrqalirjevr, the one who sent the email? (Or did Mildred actually send it herself)?? Or could it be Ms. Merajkhalid? I tried to clisk on her website, but it only led me to more indecipherable clues: Here is a screenshot of what I found when I clisked:

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I somehow feel no farther along in solving this than I did before. OH, Converging sodden chipboard, Batman! I feel distressed. I need your help, Internet. Then, and only then, will Mildred stand a chance of seeing another day.

It’s Spam Thursday!

August 10, 2006

Once again, I have been enlightened by my spam folder.

Spam Thursday

According to my old friend and genius Harry Scott, Pain killers are here! You probably don’t realize this, but pain killers are things that “kill pain.”

OK, let me break it down for you: Let’s say you have a headache, right? Well: You swallow these so-called “pain killers,” and in about 20 minutes or so, your headache goes away! It’s amazing!

I know what you’re thinking: “How could this be? I have never heard of such a thing in all my existence!” Well, new inventions come along every day. Do you think before Thomas Edison invented the light bulb that everyone had thought about electricity? NO, of course not! Not everyone is a genius, but Harry Scott is, and he has invented things that will kill pain!

I can’t wait to find out what exciting new surprises are in store for me tomorrow — or in about five minutes, when more spam comes into my folder.

Peeve Cannonball to you, too!

July 25, 2006

I got this in my spam folder last week. I was curious to find out more about the peeve cannonball that Rebecca Edwards was so keen on telling me about, but alas, my practical side kicked in, and I deleted it. I thought, “Do I really need a peeve cannonball? No, I have too much clutter as it is. Or… do I want to go peeve cannonballing, if it is a verb? Probably — it’s tempting — but I’m pretty busy this week.”

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As for Jacinth Mathisen, I had just run out of lykex VIeAGRA, so it’s good that she emailed when she did.

Luckily, Dionne offers me the chance to be both leaner and slimmer by next week, which is good, because I can’t just be leaner, or slimmer. I must be both.

And it’s always good to hear from my old friend Graves. He was a little mad at me, I think. He always wishes me a happy day, but this time he caught himself, and said, “Do I want to wish Marcy a happy day? Let me think about this for a second. OK, yes, I think I do. I’m not mad anymore. Yes, I’ll go ahead and wish her a happy day.” Oh, Graves. (smiling and shaking my head).