Archive for August 31, 2006

Ahhhh, Call the Humane Society! Call PETA!

August 31, 2006

OMG, Ottilia Zamora is trying to sell me chili with cat meat! I don’t eat cat meat! Cats are pets! My family’s cat Otis disappeared last fall; What if Ottilia got him?! OOOOH NOOOOO!!! If you have a cat, watch out for Ottilia — She appears to be ruthless, if she’s sending me emails just flat out offering up her cat chili.
Cat chili

The only chili she’s selling me is the chills down my spine!

Good News, Guys!

August 31, 2006

Hey guys, just wanted to share some good news: Both Pillow and Chloride have approved my loans!

Pillow_Chloride.jpg
Phew, such a relief. I also applied for loans from Blanket, Teddy Bear, and Fluoride, but haven’t heard from them yet. I’ll keep you posted.

Toilets 2, Me 0

August 30, 2006

UM…. Am I in Pergatory? My worst nightmare is coming true. I was peeing in my favorite bathroom stall at the office yesterday (for information on which one is my favorite and why, see Appendix A), and mid-pee, what do you think happened? Yes. It flushed itself. I was all, “Wha…???” because as you may or may not know, one of the reasons I took this job in the first place was because the office did NOT have automatic flush toilets. If you’re unfamiliar with my stance on these evil, wicked beasts, please refer back to this blentry.

Angry Toilet
Apparently I go on vacation and everything goes to pot around here (no pun intended). Adding insult to injury, I discovered that an entire bag of UNexpired yogurts I had in the fridge had been thrown out while I was away. Argh!

So anyway, they’ve replaced my favorite manual-flush toilet with an evil automatic one. I don’t know if they’re changing all of them and just starting with one, or just changing the one, but I do know this f-ing sucks, and I may have to start job-hunting again.

Appendix A: OK, so there are four stalls in the ladies’ room. The last one, the big handicapped one, is the worst, because the toilet seat sits up on stilts, causing a big gap between the seat and the rim, and when you pee, unless you concentrate very hard, your pee shoots out the front of the toilet and gets you, the floor, and everything wet, with pee. All the women here seem to have made that mistake once, and God willing, only once.

The first stall has horrible water pressure, and if you use a toilet seat cover and/or any toilet paper at all, which most of us do, it all creates a tight ball that refuses to flush and just rolls around in the hole, even if you flush it over and over.

The second stall is not ideal because, and this may get complicated, but hear me out here: Since the last one is by far the worst, nobody wants to use it. If you’re in the second stall and someone else comes in, she is almost definitely going to choose the first or third stall, thus settling in right next to you. Some poeple don’t mind this, but I get stage fright when someone is too close to me and find it nearly impossible to pee, try as I might, and you can just forget anything else (not that I do anything else, Jeff, don’t worry, girls don’t go #2, least of all me). Same goes for people talking to me while I’m in the stall. If you ask me, it’s common sense that conversation should end when the stall door closes.

The point is, the only really desirable stall, the one that used to offer me a peaceful sanctuary of relaxation, has now been turned into something that will only infuriate me and cause me stress and nervous breakdowns. Why is life so cruel?!!!

UPDATE: Well, after someone read this blentry he was totally incredulous about my stage fright comment, and in retrospect I may have been exaggerating a little (ME???). Usually I can pee fine with someone next door, unless they’re talking to me. I really do find it impossible to carry on a conversation and pee at the same time. Chalk it up to my not being the best multi-tasker. But really it’s the poo thing that gets me (which, again, Jeff, I do NOT do, I’m just saying I imagine if I did it would be difficult to do so with someone in the next stall). The worst is when two people (not me) are sitting in stalls next to each other, and we’re they’re totally silent and can hear each other breathing, each one waiting for the other to finish and flush so she can let the poo make the noise it makes when it lands in the water. I mean, not that I’m familiar with that; I’m just saying.

Hawaii 5-O

August 29, 2006

Soooooooo, it’s back to the ol’ grindstone for me. Last week Jeff & I flew to Kauai for Rachel & Dan’s wedding and a week of fun (well, more like 5 days). Here’s Jeff and me at the wedding reception:
Hawaii_MeNjeff.jpg
I got back to LA on Friday night, and the next day scooted off to the Morongo Hotel & Casino in deserty Cabazon, CA, for Wan’s bachelorette party of sun, fun, and the requisite debauchery. Here are some highlights:
Liquor bucket

Wan_getgun.jpg

And Here’s a link to the photo album. I spent Sunday and yesterday guzzling water to try and get back on good terms with my liver and uploading cajillions of photos onto Flickr. Here’s a link to my Hawaii album. I’m warning you, there are tons of them — I didn’t edit them, just threw them on there — and since my camera has a delay, I kept trying to take pictures and then a car would drive right into the photo. Doh! Oh, and I didn’t finish captioning them because frankly I got plum wore out. I’ll be adding some more captions as I please.

Enjoy! OOOOH, P.S. I was just reminded that this weekend is Labor Day Weekend! Hooray! I’ll be doing something that doesn’t cost money.

It’s That Time Again!

August 18, 2006

It’s

spam.jpg

Friday!

You’ll never believe what my friend Cosmo Belknap sent me today: The Dreaded Ho Test! Ugh.

Ho Test

Why does Cosmo think I need a ho test? Is he hinting at something, or is he just sending it along to be friendly, so I can make sure I haven’t accidentally become a ho? Either way, it makes me nervous.

I’m pretty sure I’m not a ho. I mean, I can’t think of anything I’ve done that would classify me as such. I’ve never cheated on Jeff, and my “romantic encounters” are still in the single digits. So… I think I’m in the clear, right?? Or did I do something I forgot about that someone has on camera somewhere? Am I unknowingly on a Girls Gone Wild video that I was so drunk I forgot about? I really don’t think so, but one never knows.

Cosmo, if you’re reading this, what are you trying to say?

I’ll take the test, but I’m going to Hawaii on Sunday to ho it up with Jeff and attend Rachel & the Danimal’s wedding, so I’m waiting until I get back. If I’m a ho, I don’t want to know until after my vacation.

Happy Friday, y’all!

So Fun! And Friendly, and Helpful!

August 17, 2006

I just read Cathryn Michon, Grrl Genius’s blog entry for today about her friend’s organization, Friends & Helpers. Here’s a blurb from Cathryn’s blentry:

So anyway, here’s the deal. In September my boyfriend and I (and apparently a bunch of rock stars) and some other people like us who are NOT rock stars are all going to New Orleans, Louisiana (all costs privately underwritten) to help re-open 12 schools devastated by the hurricane.

Every child in those schools will receive a backpack filled with school supplies, the libraries will get books, the teachers will get supplies, the bands will get instruments…

The fun part is (other than kids getting an education — always fun for society in general), you can send money, supplies, or buy anything off their Target wish list and have it sent directly to Friends & Helpers. I’ve been scrolling through the wish list. It’s so fun to think of buying these things for kids! For example, how cool are the large round stinky stickers and all the bulletin board sets? I can’t decide if I should buy these off Target.com or go get them at Office Depot tomorrow and send them myself. I haven’t shopped at Target in about a year and a half, because they made me angry with their shoddy return policy and churlish store managers. I tend to hold a grudge when huge corporations nickel & dime their customers. BUT, I am totally willing to put aside my grudge for this incredible cause. If you are like me and think shopping for kids is fun, I encourage you to order something off the wish list or go to Cathryn’s blog and see how to donate to this excellent cause. Yay!

Don’t Stress, Call Bess!

August 16, 2006

I was thinking about what to write today, and in the back of my mind swirled all the things I have to get done this week, and I thought, “Boy, do I feel stressed,” and probably because I just looked at my last blentry’s title, Don’t Whine, Drink Wine, the first thing that popped into my head was, “Don’t Stress, Call Bess!” So that’s the title of this blentry.

As it happens, my late paternal grandmother’s name was Bess, short for Mary Elizabeth. While I can no longer call her up (I mean on the phone; I don’t mean I can no longer recall her), I do think of her when I say “Don’t Stress, Call Bess,” and how even when she was in her 60s and not thin, according to my mother she would dangle her legs over the arm of a chair and say, “Well, isn’t this the best looking leg y’all have ever seen?” And thinking of that does kind of reduce my stress, because it forces me to look at the big picture of Life, and family, and fun, and love. And if she could be chubby and old and still admire herself, that was something good.

P.S. My dad always used to say, “Don’t fuss, call Gus! He’ll fuss for all of us!” (For your use, “fuss” can be replaced with “cuss” where applicable).

Don’t Whine, Drink Wine!

August 15, 2006

This weekend was different from some other weekends in that I went somewhere other than L.A. It was my friend Elise’s birthday, and I went to San Diego to visit her and go wine tasting in Temecula. I left work on Friday night, stopped and got a delicious steak and rice teryaki wrap that was impossible to eat on the freeway and left me with handfuls of rice stuck to the crotch of my pants.

I made great time down to SD, and on night one, although I was tired and disoriented from the workweek, and getting sick (which I didn’t realize and stubbornly blamed on allergies all weekend), I rallied and we went out in Pacific Beach with a few of Elise’s friends. I’ve kind of been realizing for a while that I’m not in college anymore — i.e. going out with the sole purpose of getting as drunk as possible is no longer as appealing as it used to be — and spending an evening in PB, the collegy-est place this side of the Mississippi, helped to confirm and solidify and stamp in concrete that feeling. But it was fun nonetheless, because of the company.

Saturday after far too few hours of sleep, I got up, showered, and Elise made an amazing breakfast casserole from her grandma Jean’s recipe. Folks came over, we ate breakfast and drank mimosas, then all hopped in a limo that would take us up to the wineries.

Wine Country Girls (smaller)

The wine tasting was delightful, and now that I can’t drink much red wine, since I’ve determined it gives me migraines, I’m really starting to appreciate white. It’s fun to know about wine and know your own taste, and at our second winery, at the height of my buzz, I turned to Elise and said, “It’s fun to be an adult!” Something about when I’m with Elise, I’ve always felt inspired to announce with glee our stage in life. When we were in high school we’d be driving somewhere, and I’d look at her and squeal, “Elise, We’re Teenagers! Ah hahahahahaha!”

Well, there’s no denying, I’m an adult now, and not only does my driver’s licence reflect that (I’ve been driving for 11 years, BTW), and although I might not always act like it, I feel like one, too. And I like it. :) (For more stats on how long I’ve been doing things, please refer to Appendix A).

P.S. I made a photo album of my weekend. Enjoy it here! (FYI, When viewing the pictures on Flickr, if you want to see them full size, click on “All Sizes” above the photo).

Appendix A:

I’ve known Elise for 13 years.

I’ve had my period for 14 years (ugh, 14 years of cramps! gross).

I’ve lived in L.A. for 3.5 years.

I’ve been wearing makeup for 16 years (I started wearing pink and turquoise mascara in 5th grade).

I’ve been working in the office rat race for almost 3.5 years (ick).

I’ve been out of high school for 9 years (reunion coming soon — panic)!

I’ve been out of college for 5 years (and still miss many, but not all, things about it).
I’ve been dating Jeff for over 2 sexy, snuggly years.

I’ve had Chocolate Chip, the bear with a squeaky tail with whom I sleep every night, for 25 years.

Nooooo, Miiiiiilllldredddd!

August 11, 2006

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! QUICK! WE HAVE TO SAVE MILDRED BOYKIN! SHE IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE! TODAY!!!

spam_mildred.jpg

OK. I clicked on the email, and this is what it said:

Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2006 00:08:14 -0400
From: “Mildred Boykin” < novrqalirjevr@allekto.de >
Subject: will expire today

Sensationall revoolution in medicine!

E”nlarge your p”enis up to 10 cm or up to 4 inches!

Its h’erbal solution what hasnt side effect, but has 100% guaranted results!

Dont lose your chance and but know wihtout doubts, you will be impressed with results!

Clisk here: http://merajkhalid.info

sonar care-worn scandinavia mum rave colliery hemolytic discriminate
antithetic lagging certify distressed patriarchy converging sodden chipboard

Hm. Well, one thing is clear. This is a coded message, and it is our duty, dear readers, to decode it. The answer will reveal Mildred’s whereabouts, enabling us to save her! Ohhh, where are Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu when we need them?!!!
Who wants to expire her, and why?! Is it Mr. N. Oovrqalirjevr, the one who sent the email? (Or did Mildred actually send it herself)?? Or could it be Ms. Merajkhalid? I tried to clisk on her website, but it only led me to more indecipherable clues: Here is a screenshot of what I found when I clisked:

manXL.jpg

I somehow feel no farther along in solving this than I did before. OH, Converging sodden chipboard, Batman! I feel distressed. I need your help, Internet. Then, and only then, will Mildred stand a chance of seeing another day.

It’s Spam Thursday!

August 10, 2006

Once again, I have been enlightened by my spam folder.

Spam Thursday

According to my old friend and genius Harry Scott, Pain killers are here! You probably don’t realize this, but pain killers are things that “kill pain.”

OK, let me break it down for you: Let’s say you have a headache, right? Well: You swallow these so-called “pain killers,” and in about 20 minutes or so, your headache goes away! It’s amazing!

I know what you’re thinking: “How could this be? I have never heard of such a thing in all my existence!” Well, new inventions come along every day. Do you think before Thomas Edison invented the light bulb that everyone had thought about electricity? NO, of course not! Not everyone is a genius, but Harry Scott is, and he has invented things that will kill pain!

I can’t wait to find out what exciting new surprises are in store for me tomorrow — or in about five minutes, when more spam comes into my folder.

Breaking Nerd News: Marcy Has Bad Hair Day on Game Show Network

August 8, 2006

You may remember when I was stressing out about being on that new game show, Starface, and then how I went and sat around all day and didn’t even get on. Well, I went back and taped the episode, and it’s airing this Wednesday night, August 9, at 9:30 P.M. on GSN. BUT PLEASE check your local listings, because that might be the wrong time. Apparently it’s on an East Coast feed, whatever that means, so maybe it will come on at 6:30 on the West Coast? I’m not sure. Also, when I was checking my TiVo last night, I saw another show called Star Face, two words. I don’t know what that is, but it was on a different station, so make sure you search for the one that is ONE WORD: Starface.

I’m not going to tell you what happened, but I will say there is more to the story. Maybe this will make sense when you watch it; maybe not. I’m not sure what I’m allowed to say right now (I signed some scary lawyery forms saying I wouldn’t disclose the results, etc.) But anyway.

OH, and can I just say, What the H was up with my hair?! I NEVER wear it parted in the middle like that, but that day that is ALL it would do. UGH! I tried and tried to force my bangs into their usual sidesweeping motion, but they were not having it. So, while I may or may not have won that day, in the competition between my hair and me, the hair came out a clear winner.

Hope you enjoy the show! I haven’t seen it, so I hope I don’t regret telling you to watch!

P.S. Did I mention that Danny Bonaduce is the host? Yeah.

A Fun Afternoon at the L.A. Traffic Festival

August 3, 2006

A while back, I was on my way to meet Jeff somewhere Hollywood-ish on a Sunday afternoon, and traffic was exponentially more ridiculous than it even usually is. I was all, “Whaaaaaaaaat the fuuuuuuuck,” and I called Jeff and was like, “What is up with all these cars, is there some kind of festival going on this weekend?”

“Yes,” he answered. “The Festival of Traffic.”

Since then, whenever traffic is on a larger scale ofridiculosity than the normal level of ludicrosity for no good reason, other than it’s super fun to sit still in a running car burning your hard-earned cash at the rate of $3.50 a gallon, we refer to it as “the L.A. traffic festival.”

So. I was feeling exra festive Monday afternoon, and decided I should try to get from my office in El Segundo to my acting class in Studio City at six o’clock in the evening (I usually don’t work on Mondays so it’s not an issue). For those of you familiar with the greater L.A. area, I don’t believe I need to expound on why this was the worst idea I’ve ever had. For those of you not so familiar, conjure up your worst stereotype of an L.A. freeway at rush hour on a Monday evening. Then picture me taking three of those freeways.

Luckily, I was able to while away part of the time on the phone with my scene partner, also on her way to class and stuck in traffic in a different part of town. We discussed our scene for a while and chatted a little about the traffic festival, deciding we would both probably arrive at 10, as class was ending. About half an hour later, at 6:47 pm, she sent me this text message, which prompted the ensuing text conversation:

her: If u get there let them kno im coming but im still not even 2the 101

me: I’m still on the 110 near downtown! Let’s race.

her: Haha deal. Im going zero mph right now beat THAT!

me: Ouch. I’m now going 15. Progress…

her: Dead stop. But i love traffic when i have 2b somewhere.i find it very relaxing. kina like meditation

me: Me too! Nothing better!

her: Haha see u at 10

me: See you then!

Oh, the traffic festival — always a good time. While participating in the festival, one fun activity is taking pictures of all the fun things the festival has to offer. I’ve made an album so I can cherish the memories. Click here to view it — and maybe I’ll see you at the next festival!