Archive for January 30, 2007

Really Gunning for a Raise

January 30, 2007

So I was just in a meeting for like 25 minutes in which one other person and I were sitting directly across a table from my boss, and after about 15 of those minutes, I looked down to realize the top FOUR buttons of my shirt were undone, giving any onlooker an unrestricted view of my bra and cleavage. I hastily buttoned them, and then suddenly had the urge to laugh because there is no way my boss didn’t just see what happened, and I sat there trying to wipe the embarrassed smirk off my face and appear as though I were paying total attention to what we were talking about. I tried using things I learned in my college acting classes, like focusing on something concrete in front of me, like the writing on my water bottle, my hands, the table, the thumb tack I had been playing with — but the harder I tried the harder it got and the more smirky I became. It’s just classic, is all.

Temptation

January 23, 2007

I had a store credit at Bloomingdales for a super fun amount, and I went there yesterday to try to spend it. I never usually shop at Bloomie’s, and at first I couldn’t find anything that I loved. I tried on tons of stuff, and the more I tried on, the less I could tell what I liked. I ended up getting a $96 hoodie — yes, a sweatshirt hoodie, which I already have tons of — but I kind of fell in love with it. I also got some makeup and put a cute dress on hold. Well… I left the mall and went home, and started thinking I should go back and get the dress, so I went back a few hours later. But on my way to where the dress was, I decided to try on some jeans. And I had just recently been thinking to myself, “I don’t care if I buy cheap jeans, because the really expensive ones aren’t that much better anyway.” Well. I pulled out three pairs of Sevens and one pair of Joe’s jeans, and I am telling you, every single one made my butt look SMOKIN’ AWESOME. Better than it has ever looked, ever. I narrowed it down to two: One pair of Sevens and the Joe’s Jeans, and put them on hold. But the problem is, if I keep the hoodie and the makeup, AND get a pair of jeans, I will exceed my store credit and will spend $100 of my own money, which I absolutely should not do right now. And won’t. I won’t! I won’t do it. I will choose. I can make this decision.

But I can’t stop picturing myself wearing the jeans WITH the hoodie. They would look so cute together!

I’m realizing something that I’ve really always known, but if I had doubts they’ve been extinguished. With very few exceptions, there is a direct ratio between cute and expensive. The cuter something is, the more outrageously expensive it is. It doesn’t always work the other way, because I’ve seen some butt-ugly expensive stuff. However, the fact remains: If I had boundless stores of money, I would look positively darling, every single day of my life, even at the grocery store!

Temptation. This is why it’s best for me to just not go shopping. If I never look at expensive clothes, I won’t feel that I need the expensive clothes.

Or maybe I can pick up some freelancing work.

Hmmm…

What do you people do? Do you face this beast of desire? Someone tell me how to kill it!

Linkies, not Minkies

January 19, 2007

When I was little my mom had a big cedar chest with many treasures inside. Many treasures, but the best by far were two mink stoles. And thinking about that now, I am horrified, but I LOVED them and called them minkies, and would beg her to take them out and let me wear them. There was a white one and a brown one. And they had little heads and little faces, real mink faces with fake little beady eyes, much like this one:

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And you could clip their mouths to their tails to hold them around your shoulders. Yes, sir, super creepy, but I didn’t really get the whole concept of where fur comes from. I just thought they were cute little pets. Cute little dead pets. He is kind of cute, you have to admit. And, dead.

Well, that was a totally random story, and the only reason I mention it is because I had already decided to do a blentry with a bunch of my favorite links, and I wrote “linkies,” which led me to remember the minkies, and there you go.

So: Unlike the minks, these links were not killed and clipped mouth-to-tail for creepy ladies’ fashion. These are simply links I’ve bookmarked over the last few months that I think are neat: Because sometimes people who work in offices get bored. Really, really bored. And sometimes those people become so efficient at getting stuff done, including wasting time, that they blow their wad right off the bat, so to speak, and have nothing left to amuse themselves, and the day has just begun. As evidence of such problem, refer to this IM conversation between a coworker and me (myself?) yesterday:

[12:25] Me: btw, i’ve become so efficient at wasting time that even though i have done several releases today and have only been here for 4.5 hours, i have already posted a blentry, checked all my email, both work and personal, researched and made a handwritten list of various makeup items i must try on at Sephora, have read all my usual blogs, and have visited every sight on the internet.

[12:26] Co-worker: HAHAHAHAH

So: To combat such boredom, I present to you: The links!

The Brick Testament
Art Pad
Ian’s Shoelace Site
Anamorphic Drawings by Julian Beaver
Astounding!
Unusual Hotels of the World
Paper Cut
One Sentence
The Simple Dollar – Free Open Source Software

OK, I think this is enough for today. I still have more up my sleeve (or clinging lifelessly around my shoulders, if you will), so get excited.

Happy Friday, My Little Minks!

Riddle Me This:

January 18, 2007

How is it possible that in one single load of laundry, this many socks come out of the dryer without mates?

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Spam Wednesday

January 17, 2007

It may only be Wednesday, but who says it can’t be a

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Wednesday?

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Ah, man, it’s good to hear from my old friend Numbers P. Burrell. I haven’t seen Numbers in a while — his wife just had a baby. If you don’t know him, I should totally introduce you — You’ll love him. That’s actually a picture of him above. He sure does love those sandwiches. Ah, Numbers. We’ll have to catch up soon.

Wow, Judith, that’s pretty harsh. I admit I tried a new mayonnaise brand recently, but it was pretty terrible and I switched back to Best Foods. I mean, I understand about brand loyalty and all that, but war criminal? Think about what you’re saying.

Uh… yeah, Arrogant, um, sure. AJAX. Right up there with advanced computer systems, satellites, and space stations.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that one of those shortcomings you talk about is that AJAX is, well… NOT a powerful new technology. With all this considered, I’m not sure what exactly you have to be arrogant about.

Thanks for the enthusiastic offer and for giving me your digits, Brendan, but getting a diploma from a university that can’t spell may be more of a “hassel” than you think.

Bring it on, es9s. Bring it on.

Update: I’ve been told that Ajax is a computer thing and actually is a powerful new technology, and not just something with which to clean your sink.  Well, fine, but it’s funnier if you don’t know that.

If You’re About to Turn 30, No Complaining

January 16, 2007

About a month ago I injured my feet and have been unable to run, hike, spin, or do any type of exercise I usually do, and I was getting totally stir-crazy, so I re-joined the gym the other day so I could use the pool and take yoga and pilates classes. The first thing I did was take a water aerobics class. I’ve taken these before and have found them to be surprisingly challenging. In the locker room, I asked an older woman if she knew where the pool was, and she looked a little confused, but said she was going there so I could follow. As I suspected, when I got to the pool, I was the youngest person there by about 3 decades. And for the first 20 mins. or so, I was thinking, Oh my gosh, I am SO out of place in this class. It was SO easy, and people were really struggling to do the exercises. But then the teacher passed out funoodles and we started doing ab & core work, and I started to feel the burn a little. Mind you, I was one of the only ones in the pool who could even do some of the exercises — Most of the class just stood there, already knowing it was a lost cause.The whole time I just kept thinking, Man. Old people are out of shape. I mean, they are out. of. shape. I’ve done almost no exercise at all in the last month and am nowhere near my peak fitness level. And this class was a total breeze for me, while the oldies in there were sta-ruggling. And this is L.A., one of the most health-conscious areas in the country. It made me want to resolve to work out like a bandit for as long as I live (because bandits are known for their intense workouts, you know), even when I have kids and get all busy. I just can’t accept that we all go downhill physically to that extent. It was an eye-opener, that’s for sure.

On the upside, I made two new friends: Betty and Laurel. Nice ladies, those two.

I like the pool, and can stay after class and swim laps, so I think I’ll go back. And if nothing else, it’ll be good motivation to keep my ass in shape while I still can. Yikes.

Blah, Blah, Sis Boom Bah

January 9, 2007

I hated writing papers in college, especially the dumb ones. I mean the ones with dumb topics that I cared nothing for. I always just wanted to write what I wanted to write, instead of using dumb college words and staying “on topic.” Sometimes a Spanish word seemed to work better in a sentence than anything I could think of in English, and I was so so so so tempted to include it that I would actually write it there, then grudgingly edit it out later.

In one especially dumb class I took Freshman year, a Communications class called “Environmental Advocacy” (Sounds cool, right? Wrong. That’s how they get you), they made the ridiculous mistake of letting us write GROUP papers. My friend Lauren and I wrote a paper together on animal testing for cosmetics (Side note: It is barbaric: They’re not just washing the bunnies’ hair — so go to here and look at what they do to bunnies, then go here to download lists of companies that do and do not test on animals). (Another side note: I hate S.C. Johnson (“A ‘Family’ Company”) with all the fiber of my being, because not only do they perform cruel atrocities on bunny rabbits, but they also have the most sexist, ridiculous commercials ever, with scores of dowdy women with horrible midwestern accents raving about all their housecleaning products. Do men ever clean? Of course not. Do women work outside the home or wear anything besides tapered kakhis and casual button-down shirts and loafers? Gee golly, next you’re going to suggest that women can vote!!! Just calm right on down and greab a handy Pledge wipe, don’tcha know!)

Anyway. So we wrote this group paper, and we kept finding ourselves using the same words over and over, prompting us to use the thesaurus, and we said, what if we just stuck any word from the thesaurus in place of the original word: I.E. we kept using the word “insert” in the context of “inserting chemicals into rabbits’ eyes.” One of the thesaurus’s replacements for “insert” was “thrust,” which of course we put in the paper like so: “This test involves thrusting chemicals into rabbits’ eyes.” In another place, after looking for synonyms for the word “stop,” we discussed various ways to motivate companies to “cease and desist” the unnecessary tests. It was hilarious, or at least we thought so.

On another paper, we had to invent a fake campaign and write about it. We had recently seen an episode of Veronica’s Closet in which Dan Cortese’s character, having already used the word “increase” too many times in their catalogue to describe push-up bras, made up the word “acribitz” (uh-CRIB-its) to use in their advertising. We made one slight adjustment: “acribit,” and based our campaign around it. We called it the Toxic Emissions Acribition Act, and that was the title of our paper. I believe acribit in our context actually meant decrease. If our law got passed, it would acribit toxic emissions by nearly 12%! When we got it back, the T.A. made no mention of the fact that the title of our paper and the campaign the whole paper discussed included the word “Acribition,” but instead just added a tiny red question mark next to the word “acribit” in one place. I think we got a B+ or something. Well, well worth it.

In conclusion, I love having a blog, because I can write whatever the hell fuck fart I want, and nobody gives me a bad grade. And I love the internet, which cannot be censored. Sure, some people might get offended or think it’s boring, but I’m not twisting anyone’s brazo to read it.

UPDATE: I have just heard from the aformentioned Lauren, who reminded me that throughout our animal testing paper we included made-up quotes from totally made-up people we “interviewed” at PETA and Proctor & Gamble, whom we named “Janice Bryan” (a loose interpretation of our high school chorus teacher’s name) and “Nancy Schaffner” (because we thought that sounded like a name we would not have made up).

Unique Unicorn

January 5, 2007

Jay asked me to draw a unicorn on the cobb. His name is Johnny. l hope you like him.

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Request and Dedication

January 5, 2007

In this blentry, I asked for requests and dedications, and Joanna wrote:

“I would like to dedicate a picture of two blond little girls in matching watermelon dresses to Childhood. Childhood, you’ve given me so many special memories. I will never forget the good times we had. Thank you for making me into the person I am today. Stay playful, stay innocent. Much Love, joanna :)”

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I’d like to add my own dedication: To long friendships that change with the seasons of our lives, but remain fresh, strong, and true forever.

:)

A Classy New Year to You, Too, Ma’am

January 3, 2007

So… 2007 is here. So far in the New Year, in reverse order, I have gotten a ticket for running a stop sign, have taken a short but beautiful road trip, and have shouted my S.A.T. scores to a stranger.

Wikki-wikki-what??? Yeah, I did.

I was drunk.

But I mean, this woman shut the door to the hotel in front of my friends and me as we were walking in — literally pulled it shut behind her right in our faces, and said, “Go find another hotel.” Who does that? We didn’t know her at all; she was a total stranger who just felt like being all exclusive for no reason. Well, rather than take her kind advice, we went on in, and saw her getting on the elevator. One of our friends walked up to the elevator door and said, “Hey, it’s our friend!” and I stepped around him and chimed in, extra chipper-like, “Oh, Hey, are you the one who shut the door in our face???” Except I’m not sure, but it may have gone more like, “Are you the bitch who shut the door in our face?” And she shouted, “Get out of my face, bitch!”, and I shouted “Oh yeah? Why don’t YOU get out of MY face, bitch?” (one of my better comebacks). The elevator door shut, then opened, and she said something dumb that I don’t remember now, to which I said, “Ooooo, real intelligent comeback!” Luckily she seemed to have forgotten the super-smart retort I had just used and just said something about me not being intelligent, so really, my only option was to offer her proof of my mental acuity by shouting my SAT scores (from 10 years ago) at her. Right? I mean, right?? Then, for emphasis, I gave her the verbal/math breakdown as the doors were sliding shut again. “XXX VERBAL AND XXX MATH, BABY!” So I got the last word. And that’s what counts, right? Pure class on my part. And good thing I did well on the verbal portion, because those skills really helped me out in that exchange… uhhhhhh…

Well… Those were my first moments of 2007. I was in San Diego spending the holiday with my friend Elise. The next day, New Year’s Day, I drove home as the sun was going down. I left at 3:30, and it was a bright orange ball hovering over the ocean, reflecting glittery yellow on the water. As I drove north, it gradually sunk lower and the sky got oranger. Near L.A. the freeway curved around so that I was facing west, and magnificent color surrounded me on all sides. Then it curved again, and the shiny buildings downtown on my east side were reflecting back the oranges, reds, and yellows of the setting sun. I felt small but totally alive, and it was the perfect way to usher in a new year.

And it’s good that I had that experience, because this morning I got a ticket on the way to work. It’s not like I didn’t stop at the stop sign, but admittedly I probably pulled the old roll-stop maneuver, which I guess could be argued as something other than an actual stop. Sigh. That said, the cop was the nicest on-duty cop by far that I have ever encountered, and was also young and incredibly good looking, causing me to feel conflicting things, because he did, after all, give me a ticket. Whatever.

So that’s my year so far. As with my 27th birthday, I have high hopes, partly because years that end in sevens tend to be good ones for me. 1987 and 1997 were both totally badass, so I’m thinking 2007 has some good things in store. I hope y’all have a good one, too.