Archive for April 25, 2007


April 25, 2007


Steamy Regards, Roger J. Pennywhistle

April 23, 2007

I hate it when people sign letters or emails with “Regards.” I think it started several years ago when someone I was dating was mad at me and signed an email that way instead of the usual sweet & sexy signoff. I replied with an email to the effect of, “WHAT IN PETE’S NAME ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL? REGARDS?????”

I don’t like it because you don’t know where you stand with “regards.” It may be good or it may be bad. “Best Regards” is one thing, because, well, you’re giving someone your very best regards! What could be better? But “Regards” could mean anything! Worst Regards, Hostile Regards, Bored Regards, Condescending Regards, Sinister Regards, Snarky Regards, or any number of unpleasant regards.

At my former job, I mentioned my distaste for the “r” word to my friend Rebecca, and we began signing emails to each other with various types of regards, including, but not limited to, Sleepy, Hungry, Thirsty, Distracted, Sexy, Slutty, Steamy, Delicious, Cantankerous, Ornery, etc.

If I ever send you an email and sign it just “Regards,” know what? You are on my shit list. That’s my way of giving you the finger in written word form. It’s the “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” methodology of signing off. If I’m not specific with my regards, you can bet they’re bad ones.

In conclusion, I am tired and don’t know how to end this blentry. Except by saying:

Sticky Regards,


(Don’t know why, just picked “sticky.” Got a problem with it? Fine! I’ll be sending you my regards).

A Little Bit Country, a Little Bit Rock ‘n Roll

April 18, 2007

I guess I haven’t been paying attention to the news, because I missed it when someone deemed today the official “Drive Like an Asshole” day. All day long, I have been swerving in and out and around idiots. This morning someone in an old VW Beetle cut me off to the extent that I had to slam on my brakes, then swerve into the other lane and lay on my horn; and I would like to share right here that what I shouted was — because I’ve kind of made a half-assed attempt to vary my vocabulary in such a way that makes me slightly less old-man-sailor-like — what I shouted was, “GEEZ LOU-FUCKIN’-WEEZE!” Yes, that’s right. Geez Lou-fuckin-weeze.

But I’m telling you, she deserved it.

Panic Atax

April 15, 2007

My friend Annie just called to see what I was doing. “My taxes,” I said. “Well, I mean, not yet… I’m actually looking for my W-2, and, you know, paying some bills and stuff.”

“Aaaah, why do we do this?!” she moaned. She hasn’t done her taxes either, and for those of you who are already on a beach in Mexico spending your refund, today is the day before taxes are due, and some of us are running out of time. Once again, I haven’t even started, and once again, instead of starting, I am composing a blentry about why I haven’t started. In 2.5 hours I have to be dressed and on my way to my friend’s wedding in Malibu. Currently I am sitting in my house (in the “nook,” for those of you who are familiar with my living quarters), laptop on my lap and papers strewn about on the floor, wearing sweatpants and the Nativity scene hoodie I made for Rebex’s most recent Hideous Christmas party (The star and the Baby Jesus are sparkly)! Oh, and I’m also mildly hungover and still have on the makeup I wore last night. Young acheiver, this one. A real go-getter. Watch out, y’all, I might accidentally take over the world while you’re not looking.

Annie had gotten off work early and was thinking of doing something fun and spontaneous like driving out of town. After I reminded her about taxes being due, she surmised that “not doing taxes” was most likely the unconscious motivation for her sudden desire to go out and live. Hey, a lot can get done while in the throes of procrastination. For example, how long has it been since I’ve posted a blentry? And here I am, just typing away while the seconds tick by. I also went through stacks of old mail and paid a bunch of bills that have been sitting around. I figure, you need something like taxes every now and then to get you to do anything and everything else. It’s like a pyramid of procrastination. Like, in order for me to do things I usually put off, I need something more annoying that I want to do even less. So much less that the original annoyance that I’ve been putting off for days, weeks, months or years suddenly seems like a GREAT IDEA! A very urgent thing I must do, RIGHT NOW! A fun adventure indeed.

Now if you’ll excuse me, time keeps marching on and my taxes aren’t going to do themselves. In other words, I’d better go get those dust bunnies out from under my bed. Allergies, people! What is more important than my health???