Yesterday I impulsively put down a deposit for my bike! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I’m already second-guessing myself, because this weekend I also found the keyboard I wanted, and I had decided to get it and wait on the bike. But then I saw someone with the bike, and he went on and on about how it’s the best bike he’s ever ridden, and it’s so fast and great and wonderful. So I went to the store where he got it, just thinking I’d see how much it was, and it was less than I thought it would be, but still kind of a lot, but also the guy in the shop was kind of cute, so what was I supposed to do, not get the bike? But now I really need the keyboard for a project I’m involved in, so now I’m like, oh man, do I just get it, too? Is that crazy? Should I be practical? When I’m retiring and have no savings and have to live in a cardboard box instead of my idealistic retirement home, my future self is going to shake my fist at my present, careless self, and will be like, “Why, why, young Marcy, did you get that expensive bicycle instead of marching down to the bank and investing that money? You are soooo stuuuuupid.” But I mean, the bike is so awesome that I’ll probably still have it when I’m old, so at least I’ll be a homeless crazy old lady on a badass bike… right? eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.

P.S. I tried four different spellings of bicycle, including bycicle, bicicle, and biciclye, before I gave up and looked it up. Thanks a lot, Fun With Phonics.

Oh, Did You Know? I’m a Genius.

I’ve got the post-it certificate to prove it (see exhibit A) (and thank you, Rebecca) and lots of other hard evidence… but most importantly, while driving home from work yesterday at breakneck speed, a flash of inspiration hit me like an enemy bogey. I decided that from that very moment onward, I am going to always answer my phone by saying, “Talk to me, Goose.”

Is that the most brilliant thing you’ve ever heard, or what? And if you’ve been living alone in a cave since 1986, eating nuts and berries and bathing in a nearby stream and don’t know what I’m talking about, you need to go to the store right this very minute and get a copy of Top Gun, which btw is the absolute best movie ever (for evidence of this fact, see exhibit B), and watch it over and over and over. And even on the seventy billionth time you watch it, just try not to cry when Goose dies. Just try. I dare you.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Very good reasons why Top Gun is the best movie ever

1. Tom Cruise in his absolute heyday. Yes, he is now a stark raving lunatic and has always been the size of a common household elf, but in that movie, he is just Maverick, the smokin’ hot, sexy, misunderstood bad-boy fighter pilot with a smile that will make the pants of any woman nearby spontaneously fall off. mmmm hmmmm.

2. The volleyball scene. ‘Nuff said.

3. A kick-ass soundtrack full of songs that inspire immediate action. “Danger Zone” makes me want to drive fast and punch things. “Take my breath away” makes me want to do naughty things with boys outside of marriage. And naturally, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” gives me the overwhelming urge to sing off-key to strangers with the expectation that they will fall in love with me.

4. This timeless line: “I feel the need… the need for speed!” — an appropriate thing to shout in nearly any situation — a stuffy dinner party, debutante ball, or political debate, for example.

5. Meg Ryan pre-scary plastic surgery

I could go on all day. Give me a call and we can talk some more about it. Yes… call me on the phone, and talk. to me … (goose).

My roommate Matthew is moving out, and we’re supposed to find a new roommate to replace him (not that anyone could replace you, Matthew) (not that you read my blog anyway) by July 1. And we have not. Mind you, we have interviewed several people and have offered the room to four of them, and all four have turned it down for various and sundry reasons. This leaves me befuddled, because we have never had this kind of problem in the past. Usually people are begging to move into our adorable house. This time it has been like pulling teeth, though, and as the clock ticks by, offers we would never have considered in the past are now starting to seem more and more attractive. You have a dog? Sure! A snake? Well… come over and we’ll meet you. A snake that roams free in the house and likes to cuddle on the couch and watch TV? Uh… I mean, I’ll try anything once…

The best of these, though, is the twins. Please enjoy their email and photo below (ALL IN CAPS! THEY ARE TWINS AND MUST SHOUT AT ALL TIMES!):

HI MY NAME IS J***. MY TWIN BROTHER J**** AND I ARE LOOKING FOR A ROOM THAT WE CAN SHARE. YOUR PLACE SOUNDS GREAT SO I THOUGHT I’D ASK IF THE TWO OF US COULD SHARE THE ROOM.

WE ARE BOTH 21. WE GO TO SCHOOL,WORK, WRITE AND WORKOUT. WE DON’T DRINK OR SMOKE. WE ARE VERY SOCIAL,OUTGING AND VERY CHILL GUYS. HOPEFULLY WE CAN HAVE THE CHANCE TO GET THIS PLACE. PLEASE CONTACT US IF YOU CAN, I’D LOVE TO TELL YOU MORE ABOUT US.

TWINCERLY, J*** L******

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. He signed the email “Twincerely.” Could this possibly get any better?

A series of haikus that all go together to form a haiku voltron of sorts

Sticky snails are much
cuter than their east-coast friends
the slugs. UGH! gross slugs.

When it rains they play
on the steps outside the house
then they get stranded

Hey, Joe! Help me, please
we need to rescue these snails
before they dry out.

They’re startled at first
plus they’re dehydrated and
can’t think too clearly

but once they see that
we are helping them survive
they relax and smile

Snails love Joe and me
because we take care of them
Let’s all hold hands now.

My back and neck are so painfully tight, and I have such an unrelenting tension headache, that if a bum walked up to me with visible scabies and offered me a massage, I would take it.