Archive for August 29, 2007

Swimming Poop, Cover and Pump Included

August 29, 2007

So… A couple weeks ago, my neighbors put a cardboard box out next to the trash with a paper sign taped to it that said, “Swimming pool with cover and pump,” hoping someone would come pick it up. Nobody did, and so it sat there for a few days, and then someone moved it right next to our front steps. Why they would do this I don’t know, because I mean, duh, clearly the kiddie pool didn’t belong to any of the neighbors on either side of us who both have young kids; clearly it should be the responsibility of the house full of four adults who obviously would be the only people to leave a baby pool outside in a box.


At work last week, my co-worker Justin and I were having a conversation across our cubicle wall. It went something like this:

“Did you have a nice lunch, Justin?”

“Yes, I went to Target.”

“Did you buy any fun things?”

“Oh, not really, you know… Actually I was looking for a pool. I think I want to get a pool, like a kiddie pool.”

“So here’s the deal. There’s a pool that’s been sitting outside my house for the last week. Do you want it?”

So anyway, that was Thursday, and that night I put the box of pool in the trunk of my car so I could give it to Justin at work on Monday. So it rode around in my car all weekend including Friday, and then he wasn’t here on Monday, and yesterday was so busy I didn’t have a chance to go get it for him… So for 6 days that box has been in my trunk.

This morning work was slower, and we went down to the parking garage to get it. I pulled it out of the trunk, and he stretched it out to look at it. There was another piece of vinyl in there, and we’re like, “What’s this?” “Oh, the cover,” and then he pulls out a little blue plastic bag and goes, “What’s this?”
And for a fraction of a hair of a second, I was thinking, “the pump?” And then a horrible realization dawned, and I said, praying it wasn’t true, “A sack of dog shit?”

And it was.


I have been driving around town for nearly a week with a pile of DOG CRAP. in my car. And to make matters more ridiculous, all week I’ve been like, “Why does my car smell so bad?” Yesterday I spent my entire lunch break at the car wash, vacuuming every inch of the interior, except for the trunk. Why did it never occur to me that someone would have kindly placed a bag of feces in the box that had been sitting in my trunk for the last week? I don’t know, maybe I had somehow maintained a shred of faith in humanity? Because who does that? Who puts a pile of poop in a pool box?


August 28, 2007

Yesterday I was in line at the post office, and there was a 5-year-old kid with his mom in front of me. He was SO excited about everything, especially stamps. He was running back and forth and shouting at twice the normal speed, “We’ll get two stamps! One for you and one for me! Mom, we’ll get two stamps!” Then he started singing this song: “Stamps! Stamps! Staaaaaaaaamps! Stamps. Stamps. Staaaaaaaaaaamps!”

A minute later he said, “Mom, can you just buy me a sticker? Mom, can you just buy me a sticker? Just buy me a sticker, OK?”

“They’re not stickers, they’re stamps,” she says.

very tiny pause.

“Can you just buy me a stamp?”

Me, I wasn’t planning on buying stamps, but after all that hype, how could I resist? Clearly, stamps are the hottest thing since sliced bread! Yeah, I bought a sheet, what? You jealous?

Alllllll You, Darlene.

August 22, 2007

I was in line today waiting to order some lunch at a fast food dining establishment, and I saw the girl at one register look and point at the woman at the other register… and I wish I could draw a picture here of what her face looked like, but if looks could talk, hers would have said, “Alllll you.” And the woman she was pointing at, whom I assume was the manager or some type of senior-type employee, and whom we’ll call Darlene, went over to this customer man who was positively FUMING, like so angry he was about to cry. He looked like someone might look if they had just stumbled out of a burning, flipped-over car in the bottom of a ravine.

He says, through clenched jaw, “I wanted an extra-large Coke, but you’re out of the cups, and I don’t see why I should have to pay more to get…” something, blah blah, and she just says, “Limited time only. Those were limited time only,” and walks back to her register. Oh, Snap, Darlene! That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

And he shouts after her, “OK, FINE! WHATEVER!” And I had to bite my tongue, because the smart-alec in me was very tempted to helpfully suggest that perhaps he was dehydrated from all those extra-large Cokes, which are really very bad for him, and maybe that’s why he was so irritable.

But I was pretty sure he would lunge at me, fists flying, and then his head would explode, so instead I just shared a commiserating chuckle and head-shake with Darlene. A few minutes later I snuck a peek at him, and he was still staring wildly ahead and breathing all raggedy.

I just have to stop… and point out… that this guy really wanted an extra-large Coke.

Friends, large was just not large enough for this gentleman.

Large was just… not… large… … enough.

Agatha Christie? Care to Take a Stab?

August 14, 2007

So… The toilet paper at work never runs out. This is a good thing on one level, for obvious reasons… but I can’t help wondering what happens to the almost-empty rolls. Do they throw them away? That would be mighty wasteful. Or do the janitors take them home to their families? Are there a bunch of cute little Latino kids using scratchy office toilet paper that is never fuller than 1/8 of a roll? I wonder these things.

I tried to confirm my theory by peeking into the janitor’s cart when I walked by just now, but I saw no evidence of auxiliary TP stashed in any sort of “take home” pile.

Your theories are welcome.

Thought for the Day

August 13, 2007

When you find yourself wearing one white sock with lace around the ankle and one multicolored Curious George sock, it is time to do laundry.


August 9, 2007

Last night at one a.m. I awoke with a jolt. Sat up straight in bed with a sudden inhalation of breath. There was some sort of loud noise and sense of movement, and I thought someone had broken into my house and was right outside my room. I remember thinking, “Should I scream? Would that help anything?” All this flashed through my mind in a fraction of a second, and then I noticed the chair near my bed was shaking. Ah! An earthquake. (It’s good to know that if there were someone on the way to hack me to pieces I’d just sit there frozen and confused — “huuh? Oh, you’re going to kill me? Ohhh, ok…)

I usually sleep through earthquakes, but I had only been asleep about 20 minutes, so I guess I woke more easily. The two others I have felt were just one quick jolt, but this one was just like the movies, where stuff goes on shaking for a while. Mind you, in my sleepy fog it seemed like forever, but I’m sure it was only a few seconds.

I was thinking about it today, and this, I realize, is completely backwards and a terrible way to think… but… I kind of wished I could live through a real natural disaster just so I could relax about some things. Does that make sense? You always hear people talking about their near-death experiences, and they say the whole thing has made them focus on what’s important, and suddenly the things that used to stress them out don’t seem like such a big deal anymore. They’re just so happy and thankful to be alive, they just want to enjoy their family and friends, and now they wake up every day with a smile on their face.

I think in general I maintain a pretty firm grasp on the big picture. I know I’m incredibly blessed in so many ways, and overall my life is amazing. And I also know that a big part of life and happiness is having goals to work toward — it’s the way humans are designed. So I know that no matter what I achieve, I will always want something more. It’s good, but it can also be exhausting.

In conclusion, God, if you read my blog, I am not asking for a natural disaster to smite me or my loved ones — especially not my loved ones! I’m just maybe going to try to pretend I’ve been through one. Yeah, I’m going to try that. I’m going to try to get up every morning and just be glad I’m here, breathing in and out.

I have a feeling it will be good.