Archive for October 28, 2011

A Workday Conversation

October 28, 2011

The following workday conversation is regarding a local news article about a homeless man who built a guillotine in the woods and accidentally cut off his own arm. (as you do.)


Marcy: UM, WHY had he built a guillotine? Was that question never raised?

Lindsay: nobody seems even a little worried abotu that fact that this bum has a GUILLOTINE IN THE WOODS
Lindsay: I KNOW

Marcy: And how did he *accidentally* put his arm between the blades? I’m sorry. You build a guillotene and you cut off your own arm. You are an idiot.
Marcy: Yah, WTF??? Whose arm (or head) did he INTEND to cut off???

Lindsay: exactly

Marcy: Well, the good news is, it will now be 50% more difficult for him to murder someone.

Ohhhh, Mornings

October 28, 2011

This morning I looked for my belt for about 7 minutes. “What in the… ” I muttered to myself. “Where could it have gone? Did it fall? I just had it last night!”

“Beeeellllllt!” I called. It didn’t answer.

But then I found it. Around my waist. Where I had put it minutes earlier.

Badd Ad Monday

October 24, 2011

It’s not even Friday, but I can’t not post about this amazing ad:

I see a lot of these ads come out of the beautiful town of Flossmoor, wherever on Planet Earth that might be. They must know something we don’t, you guys. They seem to have all the answers!

My main question on this one is:
What exactly is the job she’s doing at home? If I click on the link, will it take me to the fololowing job posting?

Wanted: Administrative Assistant for Busy Office
Ideal candidate should have:
3-5 years’ experience in administrative position
Ability to juggle multiple tasks in a fast-paced environment
Bachelor’s Degree in Communications or related field
Experience wearing blue face paint a must
Ability to hold fish in teeth preferred
Telecommuting OK

Citizens of Flossmoor, I’m directing this question to you.

Badd Ad Friday #1

October 14, 2011

I used to have a section of this blog called “Spam Friday,” in which I made fun of all the spam I received via email and in my blog comments. But this is a new era, and starting today (and whenever else I choose to; I do not promise to do this every Friday), I am instituting “Bad Ad Friday,” in which I make fun of the stupid pop-up ads that are all over the internet.

My combination favorite / least favorite ads are the ones that claim that a “mom” discovered some miracle cure or loophole in the system. Why is the fact that a mom discovered it supposed make it so much more appealing? Like Betty Johnson in Somewheresville, USA, is going to all of a sudden do a double take at her computer screen and go, “DALE, GET IN HERE. It says a MOM discovered this weird old trick that is going to make my teeth 10 shades lighter while also putting money in my pocket and infuriating my dentist. And I know I can trust her, because I’m a mom, too! Never mind that I know nothing about this particular mom or if she knows anything about dentistry, or even how to tie her shoes, for that matter. She’s a MOM, Dale. A MOM!!! I’M CLICKING THE AD!!!”

Another question I have is: Why is it always a weird old trick? Do people think it’s more legit if it’s old? and weird? Because I know of some weird old tricks that I wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. (Don’t come near me with those leeches, please!) Science has come a long way, and if given the option between a “weird old trick” and “modern science,” I think I know which one I’ll choose.

I’m going to leave you with a trick from a mom in Lyndhurst (wherever the hell that is; are we supposed to know where Lyndhurst is, or is it a generic town name that anyone in an English-speaking country can realte to: “OH, yeah, someone from Lyndhurst, Dale. WE’VE HEARD OF THAT TOWN! I’M CLICKING THE AD!”)

So this mom discovered this clever wrinkle therapy that makes botox doctors furious (and are there really such things as “botox doctors”? That’s very specific).

I clicked on the ad to find out what the trick was, and as it turns out, she stopped doing meth.

That is a clever trick!